I’m interrupting our regular programming to chat about creativity and children. It has absolutely zero to do with getting your business ready for the holidays but everything to do with our lives as creatives and the compromises we sometimes make on our journey as parents and people until something comes along to wake us up.
Before I had children I knew exactly what I wanted for them. I wanted them to never feel bad about being different. I was a different kind of kid and growing up in an inner city the 9 year old girl who would rather read adult fantasy novels by herself is always the odd kid out. I wanted my children to be allowed to shine in their own individual way. I spent years unlearning the self-doubt that I learned in elementary school and promised myself my children would never be in the same position.
Fast forward a decade, a million decisions and choices later, so many of the things I would “never” do as a parent have already been crossed off the list. At the top of my parenting neverdo list was: “No public school ever.” I was going to be one of those blissful Amanda Soule type homeschooling mothers. We would spend our days exploring the woods, doing art, learning through play and our nights crocheting by the fire while bread baked and my children played with their handmade toys.
Right.
While I stayed true to so many of the things I wanted for my girls-breastfeeding them, cloth diapering, natural toys, organic food, a life full of music, dance and creativity- this year I sent my daughter to public school because it was the easy thing to do. The first year Ila was in school I sent her to the most incredible school ever. Since I don’t drive we took 11 buses a day (yes eleven, no I’m not exaggerating) with my then baby daughter in her sling, to take her there and we paid over 7,000 in tuition for her to go. It was a hard choice when there was a school a 5 minute drive away but we did it for two years. This year we couldn’t manage it and we enrolled Ila in the “best” public school in our city even though my heart was yelling NO at the top of its lungs. I was afraid public school would dim her light-which is so radiant:
At her school they don’t paint. They don’t dance. They barely sing. No one plays with the children to help them access their imaginations. I helped out with the Halloween class party in my sugar skull get up and it was the saddest thing ever. Their “party” took place at their desks, there was no music, the kids had no chance to play or interact, they were shushed when they laughed too loud. Last week I had my ten minute parent teacher interview and the teachers told me that Ila was a textbook case of ADHD because she had difficulty focusing on her work and if I did not want to medicate her then they basically didn’t have any ideas for how to help her function better in the classroom. This is the best public school available!
The work she “can’t” focus on consists mainly of pixelated worksheets from the internet. How boring! Ila can sew, crochet, write pages of stories, has imaginary ghost friends named Ghostie and Ghostlina (who apparently are currently on a ten day vacation and missed terribly) and does art like the picture above. She has a head full of songs and a heart full of compassion and more creativity then seems possible for one small body to contain. But because she can’t be bothered to sit quietly in her seat there is obviously something wrong with her. Something so wrong they suggest medication. I was immediately reminded of this video I watched well before Ila was school aged on how schools kill creativity. All children deserve to dance.
I’m not sure yet what my solution is but I can’t have my child feeling less then the other students who obey easily. Like there is something wrong with her because she doesn’t fit the average. I have spent my whole adult life refusing to fit myself into a box just so other people could better understand me and encouraging others to take sledgehammers to the boxes that don’t fit their dreams. How can I possibly condemn her to mediocrity? Isn’t that the very thing that many of us creative entrepreneurs are working against? Sometimes I forget that we are the minority because we have built such an incredibly supportive creative community but so much of the world doesn’t seek excellence but sameness. Its not enough to embrace our own differences, we need children who are taught that who they are is okay, different is beautiful and their imaginations are the key to creating a better world for us all. If you can’t imagine it you can’t create it.
This whole situation was like being hit in the face with a pail of cold water. I need to make some changes so that I can give my girls their chance to shine. I want their childhoods to be filled with play and ways to express their creativity so that they love their “job” as much as I do. A child’s job is to be loved, explore, laugh, learn and grow-this cannot be done sitting numbly at a desk or by always doing what you are told. What do you think? Is nurturing our children’s creativity more important than teaching them obedience? If you were in my shoes what would you do?
I am so relieved, after reading your post and the comments, that you have found a decision you are comfortable with, even if it is temporary. The feeling of not knowing what to do and being indecisive can be so overwhelming.
Our story is that we moved to change schools for our daughter, and although we are happy with our new location, moving for school was the wrong reason. The only school that can be right for your child is the school whose values match your own. Can be found, but anything short can make us outspoken creatives wiggle in our seats.
Btw, I don’t believe in obedience, but do believe in respect and empathy.
When I was in Kinder my parents got called to the Principals office because I didn’t know how to write. Or write properly I should say. The teachers were worried because at the end of every letter during calligraphy class I did a little magical whirl or converted the letter into a doodle.
Luckily for me my parents hanged the proof of my calligraphy inadequacies on the fridge, making me feel like a total super star.
Years later they told me the story + I thanked them for safe-guarding my larger than life imagination in the years that matter the most.
I’m sharing this with you my friend because I’ve lived in a narrow minded community all my life + non of it mattered because I always had a safe space at home to create + be me 100%.
Whatever decision you make, know that no school will ever censor or limit Ila’s gift if you don’t let them. I’m sure Ila is safe at home + I bet she has her creative zone there too, just like Batman has his cave.
In a way we all have our Batman caves, were we get to be ourselves. The secret is to know it so that we always come back to it + recharging our batteries.
Thanks for making me cry in a beautiful way my friend + for reminding me how much I love my parents for saving me.
I am really sorry to hear that you are struggling with this issue. Things are tough when your little girl is not as happy as she should be and I hope that things will be better for you soon. Good luck and thank you for sharing great information on your blog.
I really don’t know the answer for you and your daughter but the fact that you are questioning the school “diagnosis” is a great step.
When I was in kindergarden I was told that the right hand was the one that we use to write with, I am lefthanded and I couldn’t understand why I was always wrong during the right/left excercises. Silly example but it is true. I am lucky that because of that and many other things my parents moved me to a better school where I was happier and I had lots of friends.
I wish you and your family all the best, I am sure you will take the right decision for your lovely daugther xx
Mainstream education is increasingly focusing on academic acceleration and failing to acknowledge we are whole beings who need to develop emotional, spiritually and physically as well as mentally. Do you live anywhere near a Waldorf/Steiner school? It sounds like this is just what your daughter needs. Seven years ago when my eldest child was ready to start school we moved our family to a new area so all our children could be educated at a steiner school. every day in so many ways i am reminded it is the best decision we could ever make for each of them. follow your heart xo
hi jessika, nothing to say except that i am thinking of you and i wish i could do something! i know you will be able to find a solution – maybe not the ideal one right now, but something that will ease your heart and also allow you to do the work you need to do. xoxo rena
I agree with the safe haven that will be Home. With you at her side, her light will never fade… And, if we try, maybe we could find some positive element (tiny as it may be) in the fact that being inmerse for some hours in the world that’s the “real” world for many people (sad as it may be) could also help her in her relationships with that world in the future. Un fuerte abrazo.
WOW! What a post to stumble across! First time reader of your blog but let me say again WOW!
Now let me say as a mother i completely understand that the very hardest thing to do is watch your kids hurt. I wouldnt wish that on anyone in the world! But it is also something we have to do a lot as they grow, experience life and try to learn their place in it. My boy is only 2 and due to court orders I am forced to live by I regularly have to watch him cry and scream for me as he taken to daddy’s house. It kills a little piece of me everytime.
I also dont agree with a lot of the way his father parents, or even sees the world which is hard too.
But I am also realizing that in some ways it allows me to be a better parent. I work harder when he is home to show him how I see the world and share with him all the love, happiness and silliness you can find in everyday life. I cherish every min he is at home and I try very hard to show him as much I can!
As far as the school stuff goes I think you shouldnt be so hard on yourself. I had a hard time at school too because I walked to school with my nose in a book, I was much faster at math than I was at sport! But Im ok now – I love the adult I am and I love the parenting my mum dad gave me. I remember far less the days I cried at school than times mum hugged me and told life isnt fair but it is still great!
If you explain to her way her teachers find the other kids easier, if you teach her it is ok to be a bit different and that one day as she gets older people start celebrating that instead of suppressing it she’ll be ok.
In fact the bad bits in our life are just much of the person we become – so she is growing (with your love and support) into a different, magical, wonderful creative person! The words on her drawing should let you know that already she knows who she is and is proud! We all have hardships to overcome and thats where mum is needed to wipe the tears, share an icecream and climb a tree with you to make you feel better!
Ι hope i have the permission to share on fb this beautiful soul opening story of yours that made my eyes full of tears.
I can feel you 100% having 3 kids myshelf and sharing your philosophy totally.
Ila has nothing to be afraid of with a mommy like you. If it can be of any help, i found that a good laughter with my daughter at how “the system” works along with compassion towards the people that cannot see outside the box can work magic.
All the best!
I completely hear you on raising children who are free to be who they are creatively, emotionally and physically. How can they take play out of early childhood education and expect kids to “sit” still.
Like you we are currently attempting to send our oldest to a very nice, natural school- and we only have one car and barely enough money to afford tution. We skimp on a lot of things so that our little man can have the freedom to be who he is and play with others his own age. It’s super tough but I see him shine everyday I pick him up from school- and the teachers are amazing. It’s super hard for me to think of sending him to a public school next year if we don’t have the money to continue at Waldorf school.
I’m sure with a mom like you and a very creative and open home life school won’t be able to tear her down and make her conform. We do what we must, but I have to believe that our hopes, dreams, and our love for our kids will overpower any outside force.
oh my sweet sweet friend. i know your story…intimately.
4 children. 2 with adhd. insanely creative and musical ( my husband is a musician ) schools that suggested meds. no place for them to flourish.
and i KNOW this is NOT the answer for all…but this is why i homeschool AND run a creative business full time. they need me. they need to spread their wings.
am i the best teacher? no. am i the smartest, most organized, most well verse. not in the least.
but while we study history they color. language arts we play games. we sing poetry and make up silly songs. we laugh. we cry. i get frustrated and then i cry. but they are free to be the creative individuals they are meant to be.
my oldest 2 girls are 15 and 12. they are confident. not insecure. they are not sheltered, but they don’t fear ridicule. why? because in our home they are applauded for their creativity and peer pressure does not exist.
message me if you want to talk further.
i understand…
xoxo
thank you for sharing, Jessica. I am a mother too and struggle with the school issue. Follow your heart. It will lead you to the best decision for your kids.
It’s a difficult position. I wish I had some adivce for you. I’m in a foreign country right now and we don’t have nearly any school choice here so I harbor some of the same concerns and try to balance the ridgeness of school with more cretive pursuits in the afternoon.
I must admit what caught my attention about this post is that you named your daughter Ila. My mom’s name is Ila and I hardly ever run across it. How did you choose it?
Best, Maria
Hi, I am new to your blog and so just read your old post in the link from today’s one. I am a Montessori preschool teacher in NZ and just wondered if you had ever considered Montessori school for your girls? My two boys, 6 & 3, have benefited enormously from being able to work at their own pace, following their own interests and gain life skills along the way. I love it so much I changed careers to train to guide other kids along their journey through life.
Vic
Stumbled on your blog, how interesting and thought provoking it is. Working with children has been part of my life.
I’ve been reading about ‘Nurtured hearts’ recently, they work with children,adults and families. Then I read your post and quote ‘I was afraid public school would dim her light-which is so radiant:’ somehow links with some of their vision. Just had to share this.http://www.nurturedheartsolutions.co.uk/extending-success-0. hope the future is bright for you ….night x